/r/dadjokes

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I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

NSFW

6362 upvotes • Emily-Kelleher

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I had a hospital appointment today. The doctor told me I need to stop masturbating. I asked him why.

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2215 upvotes • THEOGCHE

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If the King sleeps on a king mattress, and the Queen sleeps on a queen mattress, where does the Prince sleep ?

2153 upvotes • jetty_junkie

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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

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1875 upvotes • Mia-Patell

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Actually a true story today from my Colonoscopy appointment...

1798 upvotes • mrkevincooper

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My son can only memorize 25 letters of the alphabet.

1536 upvotes • Garrod_Ran

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Good thing Gatorade was invented in the University of Florida

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985 upvotes • frougle_mcdugal

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My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!”

965 upvotes • MurseMan1964

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I've changed my name legally to become complete a new person but

928 upvotes • Few-Victory-5773

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My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver ever. How many times have you derailed this year?"

622 upvotes • StockInitial4460

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Title	Upvotes	Author	Mark as read	Favorited	Rating	Add to a list
I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. NSFW	6362	Emily-Kelleher
I had a hospital appointment today. The doctor told me I need to stop masturbating. I asked him why. NSFW	2215	THEOGCHE
If the King sleeps on a king mattress, and the Queen sleeps on a queen mattress, where does the Prince sleep ?	2153	jetty_junkie
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. NSFW	1875	Mia-Patell
Actually a true story today from my Colonoscopy appointment...	1798	mrkevincooper
My son can only memorize 25 letters of the alphabet.	1536	Garrod_Ran
Good thing Gatorade was invented in the University of Florida NSFW	985	frougle_mcdugal
My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!”	965	MurseMan1964
I've changed my name legally to become complete a new person but	928	Few-Victory-5773
My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver ever. How many times have you derailed this year?"	622	StockInitial4460