/u/TheOminousDarkness's posts in /r/TwoSentenceComedy

Year:

Only show posts with narrations

I died yesterday, and somehow I was sent to Celebrity Heaven by mistake.

260 upvotes

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Do you know why everybody is REALLY buying up all the toilet paper?

206 upvotes

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Dear Diary, my mother says masturbating can cause blindness, but I think she's full of shit

187 upvotes

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How do you know if your best friend is gay?

180 upvotes

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You bring your dog in here twice a month for a trim, and a pedicure, and I've told you that you need to brush this dog daily, but I'm done wasting my breath...

176 upvotes

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Masturbation feels so much better now that I've begun to sample various lotions.

172 upvotes

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MISSING DOG: Three legs, mangy flea-infested fur, no teeth, one ear bitten off, and broken tail.

152 upvotes

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There are 7 things that I hate.

150 upvotes

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I masturbate constantly.

132 upvotes

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"People that smoke weed...

70 upvotes

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Title	Upvotes	Mark as read	Favorited	Rating	Add to a list
I died yesterday, and somehow I was sent to Celebrity Heaven by mistake.	260
Do you know why everybody is REALLY buying up all the toilet paper?	206
Dear Diary, my mother says masturbating can cause blindness, but I think she's full of shit	187
How do you know if your best friend is gay?	180
You bring your dog in here twice a month for a trim, and a pedicure, and I've told you that you need to brush this dog daily, but I'm done wasting my breath...	176
Masturbation feels so much better now that I've begun to sample various lotions.	172
MISSING DOG: Three legs, mangy flea-infested fur, no teeth, one ear bitten off, and broken tail.	152
There are 7 things that I hate.	150
I masturbate constantly.	132
"People that smoke weed...	70