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/r/TwoSentenceComedy

My girlfriend once caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.

984 upvotes • Dominicmeoward
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I cried out in horror as I cut into her chest with a kitchen knife and my absolute fear is confirmed.

827 upvotes • missmiia212
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I wish my son would learn how to walk.

821 upvotes • BasementDweller3000
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I always clean off my plate no matter how full I am.

808 upvotes • Outside_Normal
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I'm being arrested for curing pedophilia!?

794 upvotes • IronMongerVi
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In some states it is illegal to masturbate on a Sunday.

781 upvotes • [deleted]
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He threw up his arms in despair. NSFW

734 upvotes • normancrane
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When Thanos is choking you

695 upvotes • EdenSteden22
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Someone just made me aware that I’m a Narcissist.

689 upvotes • [deleted]
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"I beg your pardon" said the hearing impaired criminal after the king sentenced him to life in prison.

681 upvotes • 5ir_viver
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