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/r/TwoSentenceComedy

My friend has been very pessimistic since he quit drinking.

202 upvotes • HunterSDeadguy
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I opened the envelope and found a small recording device.

202 upvotes • KailTheDryad
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If there was one thing Gary feared it was dying on the toilet, and so he took massive amounts of Imodium to prevent him defecating.

202 upvotes • [deleted]
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My teacher laughed when I said Spiderman was an allegory for being a young gay man in the closet.

202 upvotes • makejokesandchewgum
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Jeffrey Dahmer was a terrible dinner host.

201 upvotes • Ancient_Fall
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Let me explain you why I never finish anything:

201 upvotes • Tramelo
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A site said I'm pregnant cuz I never had a period in my life...

200 upvotes • QuantityOdd3666
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I'm not a prophet.

200 upvotes • k-ska
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My boyfriend and I found an empty room to “do the deed”, so to speak. NSFW

200 upvotes • cindybubbles
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What do Frosted S'mores and Ariana Grande have in common?

200 upvotes • DystopianCake
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